Dad said "Make a decision.. If u decide to go, then don't ever think to come back, Coz if u do, not u but we will loose our respect in society".. I said "Yes, What ever may be the circumstances , I wont."
26 June '08
The milestone read 1.5 km ..I was sitting on the window seat and my mom next to me. Shortly it read 500 m. It caused a fear in my mind. *A hammer on my inner self* All the time I thought I was stuck. "What if I couldn't !! There is no way out now." When we finally reached, an old mate, Raghav, said "Dude, the place is really bad. Go back i say!" *A hammer on my confidence*. We sat down for registration. Meanwhile, all parents were taken for "NDA DARSHAN". A senior saw my board mark sheet, and said, "wtf man, why did u come here? U will die here" *A hammer on my determination*
Mom n Dad both then left the same evening for Delhi, crying . Dad's hug that day still keeps me warm.
2 Days later
I was ill. But still had to run.
Later...
The food, I felt, was pathetic. Everything seemed to be over. Tora an army kid and my friend kept pushing me, but it helped little. I kept talking to Udit bhaiya, a 6th termer there, (who is now probably Lt. Udit Gupta) but still I felt I was loosing myself to the hard conditions.
2nd July '08
I was talking to dad on phone, He said,"What is it?". I murmured "Mann nai lag raha". He at once said " No problem, u come back." Neglecting a statement he made earlier.
I had *RESIGNED* and was in Delhi five days later.
Then I came to BITS.
Initially I thought that I shouldn't have quit, everyone faces problems in the beginning. But as I got more and more T|A|S|T|E of the BITSian life, I slowing started forgetting NDA. Memories flashed occasionally when any of my friend asked about it. And then the loser in me wakes up, 'while im asleep'. Twice I had a *DREAM* or rather 'nightmare' that regretting my decision to quit, I gave the tests again and was reselected in NDA. But this time again the loser decides to quit and comes back!!! :( ... In total ** I quited THREE TIMES**
The other day, the loser again makes one night a nightmare. This time it was that I was quitting from BITS ..............!!! The count is then FOUR till now!! And seriously loosing again and again to the same circumstances, is the worst thing that can happen..! God..
I don't know how can I overcome this fear and beat the loser. Maybe it will stay and torment me for the rest of my life. Because I have been defeated in reality, so maybe I will always be on the loosing end "In Dreams"!!
P.S.1. I hope "if the loser has to survive, it survives only in dreams"... only. in. dreams! I can beat it that way!
2. But ya I know if i have it in me to get selected then i have it in me to beat the loser as well. :D
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The milestone read 1.5 km ..I was sitting on the window seat and my mom next to me. Shortly it read 500 m. It caused a fear in my mind. *A hammer on my inner self* All the time I thought I was stuck. "What if I couldn't !! There is no way out now." When we finally reached, an old mate, Raghav, said "Dude, the place is really bad. Go back i say!" *A hammer on my confidence*. We sat down for registration. Meanwhile, all parents were taken for "NDA DARSHAN". A senior saw my board mark sheet, and said, "wtf man, why did u come here? U will die here" *A hammer on my determination*
Mom n Dad both then left the same evening for Delhi, crying . Dad's hug that day still keeps me warm.
2 Days later
I was ill. But still had to run.
Later...
The food, I felt, was pathetic. Everything seemed to be over. Tora an army kid and my friend kept pushing me, but it helped little. I kept talking to Udit bhaiya, a 6th termer there, (who is now probably Lt. Udit Gupta) but still I felt I was loosing myself to the hard conditions.
2nd July '08
I was talking to dad on phone, He said,"What is it?". I murmured "Mann nai lag raha". He at once said " No problem, u come back." Neglecting a statement he made earlier.
I had *RESIGNED* and was in Delhi five days later.
Then I came to BITS.
Initially I thought that I shouldn't have quit, everyone faces problems in the beginning. But as I got more and more T|A|S|T|E of the BITSian life, I slowing started forgetting NDA. Memories flashed occasionally when any of my friend asked about it. And then the loser in me wakes up, 'while im asleep'. Twice I had a *DREAM* or rather 'nightmare' that regretting my decision to quit, I gave the tests again and was reselected in NDA. But this time again the loser decides to quit and comes back!!! :( ... In total ** I quited THREE TIMES**
The other day, the loser again makes one night a nightmare. This time it was that I was quitting from BITS ..............!!! The count is then FOUR till now!! And seriously loosing again and again to the same circumstances, is the worst thing that can happen..! God..
I don't know how can I overcome this fear and beat the loser. Maybe it will stay and torment me for the rest of my life. Because I have been defeated in reality, so maybe I will always be on the loosing end "In Dreams"!!
P.S.1. I hope "if the loser has to survive, it survives only in dreams"... only. in. dreams! I can beat it that way!
2. But ya I know if i have it in me to get selected then i have it in me to beat the loser as well. :D
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nice post dude with some good literary alliterations.
ReplyDeletei remember Arpit BITS me 1st yr me mera wingie tha, naya naya aaya tha aur NDA ki tadi me rehta tha ;)roz hum logon ke saamne NDA ki shekhi bagharta tha. :)
But ab pakka BITSian ho gaya h.. badhiya h
nice one dude...
ReplyDeletebut live ur life wid a bit of positive attitude !!!
@rohan : i cud be more expressible because i wrote it just after the ES exam :P
ReplyDelete@abhitesh : i do.. its just a part of me.. rest of me enjoys :) . dont worry im all fine .
I'm sure he is fine....
ReplyDeleteThe only thing which u need is support from som1...
u dun worry we r with u... :)
you have matured as a blogger! keep rolling!!
ReplyDeletend stop calling urslf a loser man! u knw u rnt.. ;)
ohh! :P .. Thanku **CHANKI** :D :P ... U R A SAVIOUR :P :P
ReplyDelete